


Orochimaru: Good Luck Giver, Vitality Master, and All That Jazz

by TheMistyCatMaster (TheMistyDarkPrincess)



Category: Naruto
Genre: And he isn't., Crack, Crack Fic, F/F, M/M, Naruto should not be allowed to name., Orochimaru makes biological children for the pairings., Post-Naruto Time Skip | Naruto Shippuden, Pre-Boruto, Sakura and Ino can name children!, Shikamaru Overrules., Teen parents (but only because Orochimaru gives them kids.)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-06-30 12:11:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15751419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMistyDarkPrincess/pseuds/TheMistyCatMaster
Summary: Orochimaru is a mystery, no seriously, he is.  To prove this, just ask Naruto, Sakura, Ino, and Shikamaru.  They'll tell you exactly how odd the man is.





	Orochimaru: Good Luck Giver, Vitality Master, and All That Jazz

**Author's Note:**

> So when I remembered something about Japan having a White Snake Kami, I also remembered that Orochimaru is a white snake and this fic came about.

The first time it happened, it was considered a fluke because there was no way that it could have been real.  Because as a group, they, a group comprised of Naruto, Sakura, Ino, and Shikamaru, were talking to Orochimaru (who was being amiable for some reason), when Ryo started to rain from the sky.  The man in question looked just as confused as those who were talking to him, but he seemed to play it off with a sigh as he caught one of the Ryo and held it out to the group.

“Ryo for your thoughts on this matter?”

The group gave him a deadpan look in response.

“Are you sure you don’t want any?  This happens all the time, and I don’t need anymore money for a while.  Please help yourself.”

The man insisted, gesturing at the metal that was still falling from the sky and pelting them.  This only gained him strange looks ranging from disbelief to mistrust. This made the man sigh and shake his head.

"I was only offering.  You could just say no politely."

Again the group gave him varying looks.

"Why are we standing here listening to this...?  I thought we were here to try and find Sasuke?"

Ino asked, tilting her head at the whole situation, while Shikamaru gave a sigh and rubbed the back of his neck, flinching as another Ryo hit him on the sore muscle.

"She's right.  We don't have time for this."

He responded, and the two parties began to fight.  After but a moment, the group was dropped off rather unceremoniously in front of Konoha's gates with four bags full of money.  A note in front of them that read: Returning these too you.

* * *

The second time something odd happened around Orochimaru was when they realized he looked much younger.  They had challenged him to a fight, demanding to know who it was he has taken the body of, only for the man to give an amused look and make a comment about taking better care of himself.  The group didn’t believe him on this matter, and the battle continued until half the forest they were in was torn asunder. At the end of it though, Orochimaru seemed to be the only one not tired.  In fact he was even looking a little bored.

"I promise you that I haven't transferred over to Sasuke yet.  I have much more that needs to be done with him before I do that."

The man says, brushing some of his hair out of his face and rolling his eyes.

"And before your minds go to somewhere dirty, I don't mean like that."

He adds.  Naruto and Sakura share a look at this, then look over at Ino and Shikamaru who have the same look.

"We weren't thinking like that...  But you really made it hard not to think that's what you meant."

Sakura commented, falling into a fight stance once more.

"What she said."

Naruto also falls into a fighting stance.  Orochimaru sighs and proceeds to get into another fight, this time with only the team 7 members.  Later the two are dragged back to Konoha by Ino and Shikamaru with another note stating the same thing as the last.

* * *

The third time the group crossed the path of Orochimaru, the man was standing out in the open, holding two bundles in his arms, staring at them like he was lost as to how they had gotten in his arms.  The group approached him, ready for anything. But what they had happen instead was something that they weren't expecting. As the group (who was starting to wonder why they were the group put together in the first place) approached the man, he looked up and blinked at them a couple of times.

“Oh good, you showed up.”

He said, his tone calm and almost relieved.  This made the group even more confused than they had been originally.  The man didn’t answer the looks on their faces, instead moving forward and depositing one of the bundles into Shikamaru’s arms, and the other into Sakura’s.

“These are your now.  Take care of them.”

He was then turning and walking away at a fast pace, leaving the teenagers where they stood, confused and baffled by his actions.  It was then that one of the bundles moved slightly, a whine sounding from within the blankets that made up their coverings. Sakura, the one whom had the bundle move in her arms, moved it to a more stable position and made to move the cloth that was not fully tucked in, near the top, away from what it was hiding.  To her shock, moving the cloth away revealed a baby. The startings of soft blonde hair, with a dab of pink in one spot above one blue-green, almost seafoam, eye, greeted her along with the fact that both eyes were staring back at her with a pout. Sakura moves the rest of the blanket away, leaving just enough to make it easy to wrap the baby back up if needed and then makes a face.

“Oh…  He needs to be changed.”

Sakura looks at Ino, who returns her look with a blink.

“As in…?”

“He made a mess in the blankets.  We need to clean him and them before wrapping him back up.”

She says and Ino blinks again, looking around as though she was trying to remember the landscape they were in and whether or not there was a place with water nearby for such a task.  While this was occuring, Shikamaru was having a stare down with bright blue eyes that seemed to be trained on him.

“So…  How is the baby?”

Naurto asked, looking over the other boys shoulder and blinking at the sight of the faint markings on the babies cheeks.

“She seems…  To be fine….”

Shikamaru commented, blinking slowly and watching as the baby followed after with the same action.

“So…  What do we do?”

Naruto looked over at girls as the two tried to keep their own child occupied.

“Well…  First we need to help the girls with their baby….  Then we need to go back to Konoha and talk to the Hokage.”

Shikamaru’s words were distant, like he was preoccupied by something.  Naruto was about to ask what the problem was, but then the other boys face seemed to just start gaining color.

“Ah!  Shikamaru are you okay?  Are you getting sick?”

Naruto flustered, placing his hand in the others forehead.  While he did this, the baby in Shikamaru’s arms yawned and moved its eyes to stare at the sky in boredom.

~*~

A ways away by now, Orochimaru pauses and takes on a thinking pose.

“I forgot to tell them where I put the supplies they would need for the way back.”

He mused for a moment before he gracefully shrugged.

“Perhaps they'll be fine without it.”

He continued on his way.

* * *

"I feel like I should point out a few things...."

Tsunade sighs as she puts down her papers, looking over the babies that had been put in the two sets of teens care.  The team had come back looking like the world had suddenly settle on their shoulders, but at the same time determined, which made her rather concerned until the two bundles in their arms had been registered as babies.  At the moment, the little ones were placed in cots within the hospital, while the team stood waiting for answers.

“First of all, I have no idea what he was thinking, but Orochimaru seems to have genetically mixed your genes together to make these two children.”

She starts, holding up her hand before they could ask anything.

“Specifically he mixed yours, Ino and yours Sakura to make the baby boy, and Naruto and Shikamaru, yours went into making the baby girl.  By all accounts, these are your children.”

There was a silence that followed this as the teens took in the information.  The Ino calmly looked over at Sakura and grinned.

“So, still want to tell my dad that we eloped after we've done it? Or do you want to use this as the segway into telling him that we've been dating for five months and he hasn't been taking the hints?”

She asked and Sakura covered her face with a groan.

“Your dad is a great guy.  A strong figure in T&I. But…  He's rather dense when it comes to everything else.  Do you really think he would understand the implications if we walked up to him and said ‘here’s your grandson.  Orochimaru gave him to us’?”

Ino’s face turned solemn and she gave a sigh, her free hand going to cover her face as she cuddled the baby in her arms closer so she could do so.

“You’re right.  He would just ask why Orochimaru did that, then jump to conclusions.”

As the two girl’s lamented the situations that could arise, the boys were on a whole other conversation.

“So…  You really like me?  And like… Not as a friend?”

Naruto was tilting his head like a confused puppy, while Shikamaru was staring at the ceiling like he was waiting for lightning to strike him, or it would open up and some deity would spirit him away, rocking the baby in his arms as she was getting fussy due to the lack of eyes being on her.  Shikamaru knew the other was dense. He knew that he would have to explain. But the thought of doing so suddenly seemed less appealing than letting a group of rogue ninja jump him. Especially when he was sure the other had a thing for….

“That makes me super happy actually….  I’ve felt the same way for a while now.”

Shikamaru’s eyes fall from the ceiling so fast he almost gives himself whiplash.

“What?”

The word sounded stupid as soon as he had said it, but he couldn’t help it.  Naruto was again tilting his head like a puppy, though there was clear pink on his cheeks (which mirrored perfectly to that on Shikamaru’s.  If asked, he would deny all this valiantly later).

“I like you too.”

Naruto’s voice was a little louder than he probably thought it was when he said those words, and that meant that everyone in the office was flat out staring at the two of them now.

“Well, glad that's all worked out.  Good to know that I apparently can get a dose of real life teenage angst and romance, even though I didn't want it.  And that's great, because that means you can have time to bond, and take care of your daughter at the same time. Now I had better be the godmother Naruto, or there will be words.”

Tsunade cuts in, one hand twitching like she's debating going for her sake.  The two boys seemed to snap out of the moment to stare at the woman with wide eyes.

“No!  Tsunade-Sama why did you do that?!  I was finally seeing more emotion from Shikamaru other than boredom!”

Ino gasped, looking affronted.  Tsunade waves her off while Naruto shrinks under the woman’s gaze.

“Uh.”

The blond manages while Shikamaru looks between Naruto and Tsunade for a few moments.  Upon realizing that the other wasn’t really saying no, he sighs and looks down at the baby, who had fallen asleep in his arms due to all the rocking.

“This…  could be troublesome to explain to dad…  and mom…?”

He mutters, though the whole thing sounds like a question than an actual complaint, and the baby in his arms only snuggles closer to him in response.

* * *

After leaving Tsunade’s office, with the woman promising to take care of the baby supplies and grumbling about how usually this was not how teens become parents (and how she was getting to old for this), the group of teens found themselves at the park, sitting on the grass as they tried to figure everything out.

“They need names.”

Ino says, first to break the silence of the group as they looked at the babies in Shikamaru and Sakura’s arms.

“How are we going to decide them?  You and Shikamaru have traditions with your names right?”

Sakura looks to Ino in questioning, then towards Shikamaru who lets out a sigh.

“We do.”

He answers in a drawled out way.  This makes Naruto looks towards him as he looks towards the sky as though he was searching for guidance.

“How do we name them then?  Do we go with our clan traditions?  Or do we just name them whatever?”

He lowers his head to look towards Ino with the question, after a lull in conversation, and only gets a shrug in response before the girl looks towards Sakura.

“We aren’t the only parents here.  Sakura, what do you think?”

Sakura gave a small hum, placing a finger on her chin as she thought about the question.

“Honestly, the name just needs to have a certain prefix in it right?  I don’t see why we couldn’t go with what your clan traditionally does.  We just need to be clear about what meaning we want right?”

Ino gave her a smile at that.  Shikamaru looks at Naruto who gives a hum himself, the boy having been quiet the whole time Sakura had been speaking.

“I like the name Miso.”

His voice has such dedication to it, that Shikamaru instantly knows that the other is serious.

“No.”

He makes sure that he is looking Naruto dead in the eyes as he vetos the name idea.

“What?!  Why?!”

Naruto demands as Shikamaru continues to stare him down, outright refusing to budge on his decision.  While the two go about their argument, Ino and Sakura shake their heads, looking away from the scene to focus on their own little one.

“Where do we even start?”

Sakura muses, rocking the boy, who was currently cooing at her hair and trying to reach for it.

“Actually…  We both have a connection with flowers.  Maybe that’s a start?”

Ino waits for a moment, then reaches out and pokes the little boy on the cheek when he’s rocked close to her.  The action draws a giggle from the baby. Both girls smile in response.

“Okay.  Flower names would work.  But we need to also take into consideration to flowers meaning.”

Ino answers back in agreement, her head tilting in thought as she starts going through flowers in her mind.

“Kiku?  No, to common and it wouldn’t work with Ino in it either, even though the meaning behind the flower is good. Momo?  To forward in meaning, and it doesn’t flow right. Ume? Inoume? Hmmm… I don’t know. It does have a good meaning to it.”

Ino paused and looked at Sakura who shook her head.

“I don’t know.  They all sound off.”

She answered, looking down at the boy who was now staring at her again.

“Shobu?”

Ino paused at the sudden name spoken.

“Inoshobu?”

She tilted her head with a frown.  Sakura shook her head.

“No.  Shobuino.  Make Ino the suffix instead of a prefix.”

Ino thought about it for a moment.  It wasn’t a common thing for Ino to be the suffix instead of the prefix, but they way Sakura said it made it seem perfect.  It was still within tradition, but it was unique. Their son would have a name that made him stand out, yet fit in perfectly.

“I love it!”

Sakura blinked as her girlfriend shouted this, blinking even more as the other girl moved to poke their son on the nose.

“Her name is Shikayuu and that’s final.”

Shikamaru’s voice cuts into the happy moment, and both Sakura and Ino find their gaze turning to where Naruto and Shikamaru were having a stare down.

“But Shikamaru, where does my part of the naming process go then?!”

Naruto asked, voice lowering with each word as the baby girl, his daughter, in Shikamaru’s arms gives a slight whimper, almost like she was about to start crying.

“She’ll take your last name.  There you happy?”

Naruto pauses, opens his mouth to say something at Shikamaru’s sudden decision, then closes it before looking down.

“I don’t think that would be a good idea.  At least… Not until I become Hokage.”

The words make Shikamaru’s eyes narrow in confusion.

“Is this about how some of the villagers still treat you?”

He asks, tone serious, while from his peripheral he watches Sakura’s reactions.

“Well, the treatment has gotten better.  But I think she’s safer with the Nara name than mine still.  And besides, your name comes with benefits!”

The boy says tone cheering up towards the end, but Shikamaru can see Sakura flinch, and Ino giving the girl a concerned look before the two start whispering between one another.

“How about the people can suck it.  She’s going to be Shikayuu Uzumaki. No debate.  That’s her name.”

Shikamaru responds instead of bowing out of the idea.  Naruto again opens his mouth to say something, closes it, then opens it again.

“You have a stubborn streak.  Why don’t you show this more often?”

“Because it’s too damn troublesome.  Now here. Hold our daughter.”

~*~

Off away from the group Tsunade stood with six other figures, her arms crossed and a smirk of victory on her face.

“So, I think I win the bets here.”

She says, holding out her hand as Inoichi groans and plops a few notes in the woman’s hand while his wife shakes her head at him and mutters that she had known all along and her husband was an idiot.  

“And the girls kept giving you hints and everything.  Goodness.”

She could be saying, louder once the money had changed hands, the more she had to say to her husband about how blind he could be when outside his work.  Shikaku also hands over some money, his wife pulling at his ear with a growl as he did so.

“How dare you go betting on something like our son’s love life!  I’m his mother and I knew that he was into the Uzumaki kid since the academy!”

Shikaku merely sighs and lets out a groan, nodding even though he was in pain as he allowed his wife to tell him off.  The last man gave a laugh and shook his head at the other men’s pain, his wife letting out a sigh as she looked towards the scene of Shikamaru, her daughter, and Ino trying to teach Naruto how to hold his daughter.

“They’re so young.  Too young to be parents.  But, I guess Orochimaru can be thanked for something, and does that not leave a bitter taste in my mouth to say, by allowing our children to find happiness in more ways than one.”

She said, and Tsunade gave a hum in response.

“The only one’s missing here for this scene are Minato and Kushina.  But I have to agree. Orochimaru has his good moments.”

* * *

Off in the distance somewhere Orochimaru sneezes, furrows his brows, then continues on with what he had been doing before.

**Author's Note:**

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